it will not be at 3 am in someone else’s arms and it will not be when you throw the box of pictures and letters and memories across the room because they’re gone now. They are gone now and you can’t do a thing about it.

this is how you will fall out of love, it will be slow and it will be painful, like slowly tearing a band-aid off, except worse. It will be gradual, like the first time you realized you were falling into love. You may be walking down the hallway of your home when you forget what their nose looks like. There will be flashbacks and times where you imagine them to be right next to you at anytime. You will smell the cigarette smoke and look around, because that used to be them. A stranger will smile at you and you will wish they weren’t around to see you cry.

this is how you will fall out of love, when you realize you used past tense to talk about them. This time you did not have to correct yourself and you did not cry. There will be stormy nights and you will want to text them, “I miss you” but you don’t. You don’t because it’s time. It’s time and you both know it and even though it hurts, you make the decision to turn out the lights and fall asleep alone.
this is how you will fall out of love, you will see someone and think they are cute and you will not feel shame because you saw someone that was not them. You will find yourself staring at your reflection in the mirror, with water dripping off of your freckled skin, right after your shower. You will connect your freckles and pinch your love handles and you will close your eyes and you will remember all the times they held you, but you will not miss them. You will allow yourself this one night of no regrets, this one night of not missing them, this one night of being alone and knowing you’re worthy, because there have been so many nights harder than this one.

this is how you will fall out of love, you will finally forgive them for keeping that from you. It will be less about forgiving and more about forgetting. You will stop blaming yourself, you will stop imagining a future where you meet ten years down the road in a coffee shop or a punk show where your favorite band is playing, and you start over. There is no starting over. You know this is the end. You know it won’t happen again.

this is how you will fall out of love, there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights, but one day you will drift off to sleep and you won’t dream of them. It will be hard and it may take seven months or a year or three years but you will fall out of love with them and it will hurt and you will hold them in your knees like grass stains that don’t wash out and you may forget their face and you may forget their name but they are a part of you now. You will fall out of love with them and they will fall out of love with you and you will forever see love differently. You will forever see God differently. You will talk to the Divine like they are human, like they are broken, like they have loved and lost it all, too.

this is how you will fall out of love, you will remember that you could never promise forever and you will realize that this was good for as long as it lasted. Your love was fresh and pure until it ran out. You will understand that it did not need to last forever, it did not need to become stale.

Amanda Helm, This is How You WIll Fall Out of Love (via amandaspoetry)

Probably my favorite post

(via saltwaterandtears)

So true..

Listen, if you’re going to leave, that’s fine. and I know you promised you wouldn’t seven months ago while I was crying into your neck but I also know that sometimes it rains even when it’s not supposed to and sometimes boys kiss girls they shouldn’t and we tear flowers out of the ground just to watch them die and things change, so I understand if you’re done, but please, when you’re packing all your old sweaters and books, don’t forget to take all your three AM phone calls, and photographs where we’re smiling so wide it looks like we’ve never known that feeling in the pit of your stomach when someone screams “I don’t love you anymore.” Take back every kiss, every night you fell asleep next to me, every poem I wrote you, every song you sang to me, every “I love you more fight,” every shock I felt in my skin when you brushed against me. I was never scared of ghosts until you left but now I see you everywhere and god if you’re going to kill me please just do it quickly because I see you in everything and it’s making it hard to breathe

I won’t say I miss you but I think my mother knows anyway

(via missinyouiskillingme)

Oh god most accurate thing I’ve ever read

(via saltwaterandtears)
I’ve got my baby babe.

Someone who goes out of they’re way to make everything amazing. No, to make everything perfect.
Tells me he loves me fifty times a day.
Loves my family.
Has known me since before I’ve known myself.
Loves my daughter equally to his.
Loves to play. Will play and laugh with me all day.
But can be there when I’m anxious or unnerved.
Within three months of being together bought me the little piglet I always dreamed of.
Will go above and beyond to see me smile.
I love him. I love him. I love him.
I can say it. I can repeat it. I will never be ashamed of our love.
He has changed my perspective on so many things. Helped me see the light on things I thought had darkened so many years ago.
Made me realize that there is a reason to believe. There is a reason to love unconditionally.
My best friend. My lover.
Someone who saved my life just by being himself.
He can never truely understand how much I love him. Of course, he says the same for me.
I can finally close my eyes at night without fear of another nightmare waking me.
I know he will already be squeezing me tight. Because he’s got this. He’s got me. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥


Ive lost 100 pounds since Sofia was born. I sadly haven’t weighed this little since the eighth grade. I look back at all of the pictures I’ve posted since I joined a social media.
It makes me so sad on so many levels. I’m still that same person. I just live my life. I was always afraid to do anything before because I was afraid of what I would look like doing it. I missed out on so many things.
I am so glad I dropped all of the negativity along with the weight. I have never been so confident. I can do whatever I want without being tired. I can do it knowing I look good.
I do feel sorry for the people who think weight matters though. I can look back now and know that I was still prettier than the prettiest girls. Women who think they sexy because they’re thin are a joke.
I can think of a few that dropped weight and instantly thought they were the hottest thing alive. I’m sorry, but no. You’re not. You’re still ugly and still have to Photoshop and filter everything. You still have an awkward body.
Being attractive isn’t the most important thing in the world. I can wear sweats and know I’m still going to be the prettiest girl in the room. Do I act or come off that way? Hell no. Don’t hide your insecurities by putting people down. You’re just as ugly as you are as a person.

Writing doesn’t have to be poetic.

I always intimidate myself into not writing. Why? What’s the point? Am I suppose to sound sophisticated at every turn of my life? Am I suppose to make sure my words flow evenly throughout the page? No.
What is suppose to happen, is to relieve all of these swooning thoughts. Not only that, but to make sure when I want to look back, I will have written something that marks my memories.
So forget the grammar. Forget the punctuation. It doesn’t really mean anything anyway. It’s just marks on a page that professors have made up over the decades.
Your memories are beautiful. They’re unique regardless of the fancy vocabulary. Words and paper will never look beautiful. Just write enough to submerge yourself into that time, that moment that you never want to forget.

Something is different.

Never thought I’d be blessed with a baby. Now I find myself cherishing three. Never thought I would love myself. I thought my opinion would always be based on his, but it’s not. Never, ever, did I think I would fall in love again. But I was never really in love. Now I know what passion and thrill is. Even when it’s two people who just enjoy spending the day together. I love this..new man. I love him, and for the first time, feel pride in telling everyone. Everyone that I’m actually in a healthy and loving..and just perfect relationship. It’s new. It’s scary. Especially when someone you thought loved you unconditionally, left you. It’s scary for my family. They seem to like him, but it’s new to them too. But I love it. I love it and I don’t ever want this feeling to fade away.

I thank god for my little angel.

Everyday she wakes up with a smile snuggled up in her “softie.” I get the same excitement every time I hear that little “hi.”
At the beginning of this break up, I could hardly handle her. I would get so frazzled because she needed me for absolutely everything.  I didn’t even have time to cry.i found out he married the other girl.  I thought I could die.
But here she came with that half full smile to give me a hug. I am sad. I am sad that our family fell apart. But I’m also happy. He didn’t deserve her. He walked out, he did. I have no reason to feel guilty.
To be honest, I love that it’s just me and her now. I know I may ne a little selfish by saying so, but everything is so much fun. She is starting to learn so many words so fast. She loves to look in the mirror and smile. And as soft as a mouse, she will whisper baby.
She loves when I wrap her up kn my in her towel and sing mommy’s little babys. She acts like its gross when I try to kiss her, but she loves it.
She evem helps me clean. She loves to clean.
She is such a little princess.  I don’t know what I would habe done without her.
She is my hero. She made me snap out of it. She made me realize that me and her are what made our family. For someone to love you so much is just unreal.
The smallest things make her happy. She finally got her furniture for her room today and she was so excited. She was telling us where he room was and where to out it.
My baby girl is my everything. And sometimes I fall short, but she will be happy. I will always make sure of that.
We both take care of each other and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you so much sofia marie and everything I do is for you.

June 6th was the night I finally ended it. I ask myself if we would still be together had I not. He said he wasn’t going to ever tell me. Would I have found out or listened to everyone around me? No. I sit here thinking how unhappy I was with him, but not nearly as unhappy as I am now.
I still think about the few and far between happy moments. Am I wrong to miss them? I can’t say I miss him, but I almost do. For those last two months it seemed like we were finally in love again. Where does it all go?
The man I was in love with is dead. He fell through my fingers like blistering sand. I wish I wasn’t so hard headed. I wish I would have listened to everyone years ago.
But I wish a lot of things. I wish I had the perfect little family we talked about in that old beat up truck.
I wish I had the man who fit my body perfectly. Our hands were meant to hold and caress each other.
You know what I really wish? I wish he was the man he said he was. That’s what I wish.

When your baby..

When your baby hands you a leaf with a smile.
When your baby throws her arms up and screams from the back seat like she’s on a roller coster.
When your baby puts her toys in the tub to tell you she wants to take a bath.
When your baby squeals with laughter.
When your baby dances to any kind of music; even commercials.
When your baby learns to talk on the phone.
When your baby talks nonstop.
When your baby cuddles with you.
When your baby learns eyes ears nose mouth.
When your baby does Buddha belly
When your baby tries to open the door with your keys.
When your baby bringa you a book to read.
When your baby is proud that she put something away.
When your baby steals your heart and runs away with it.

Arguing with a one year old.

So we head up the hill to grammy’s. Mommy and daddy in the front, baby in the back. She has her sippy cup and snacks. She should be good to go, right?
No. This child sits from the back seat talking shit to me the whole time. I have no idea what she’s saying. She has no idea what she’s say, but she sure as hell as no problem saying it.
A short little chubby has the potential to make you crazy. On the verge of ripping your hair out.
So what do I do? Start arguing back with her. Didn’t take daddy long until he made us pull over the car and work it out.