Something is different.

Never thought I’d be blessed with a baby. Now I find myself cherishing three. Never thought I would love myself. I thought my opinion would always be based on his, but it’s not. Never, ever, did I think I would fall in love again. But I was never really in love. Now I know what passion and thrill is. Even when it’s two people who just enjoy spending the day together. I love this..new man. I love him, and for the first time, feel pride in telling everyone. Everyone that I’m actually in a healthy and loving..and just perfect relationship. It’s new. It’s scary. Especially when someone you thought loved you unconditionally, left you. It’s scary for my family. They seem to like him, but it’s new to them too. But I love it. I love it and I don’t ever want this feeling to fade away.

I thank god for my little angel.

Everyday she wakes up with a smile snuggled up in her “softie.” I get the same excitement every time I hear that little “hi.”
At the beginning of this break up, I could hardly handle her. I would get so frazzled because she needed me for absolutely everything.  I didn’t even have time to cry.i found out he married the other girl.  I thought I could die.
But here she came with that half full smile to give me a hug. I am sad. I am sad that our family fell apart. But I’m also happy. He didn’t deserve her. He walked out, he did. I have no reason to feel guilty.
To be honest, I love that it’s just me and her now. I know I may ne a little selfish by saying so, but everything is so much fun. She is starting to learn so many words so fast. She loves to look in the mirror and smile. And as soft as a mouse, she will whisper baby.
She loves when I wrap her up kn my in her towel and sing mommy’s little babys. She acts like its gross when I try to kiss her, but she loves it.
She evem helps me clean. She loves to clean.
She is such a little princess.  I don’t know what I would habe done without her.
She is my hero. She made me snap out of it. She made me realize that me and her are what made our family. For someone to love you so much is just unreal.
The smallest things make her happy. She finally got her furniture for her room today and she was so excited. She was telling us where he room was and where to out it.
My baby girl is my everything. And sometimes I fall short, but she will be happy. I will always make sure of that.
We both take care of each other and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you so much sofia marie and everything I do is for you.

June 6th was the night I finally ended it. I ask myself if we would still be together had I not. He said he wasn’t going to ever tell me. Would I have found out or listened to everyone around me? No. I sit here thinking how unhappy I was with him, but not nearly as unhappy as I am now.
I still think about the few and far between happy moments. Am I wrong to miss them? I can’t say I miss him, but I almost do. For those last two months it seemed like we were finally in love again. Where does it all go?
The man I was in love with is dead. He fell through my fingers like blistering sand. I wish I wasn’t so hard headed. I wish I would have listened to everyone years ago.
But I wish a lot of things. I wish I had the perfect little family we talked about in that old beat up truck.
I wish I had the man who fit my body perfectly. Our hands were meant to hold and caress each other.
You know what I really wish? I wish he was the man he said he was. That’s what I wish.

When your baby..

When your baby hands you a leaf with a smile.
When your baby throws her arms up and screams from the back seat like she’s on a roller coster.
When your baby puts her toys in the tub to tell you she wants to take a bath.
When your baby squeals with laughter.
When your baby dances to any kind of music; even commercials.
When your baby learns to talk on the phone.
When your baby talks nonstop.
When your baby cuddles with you.
When your baby learns eyes ears nose mouth.
When your baby does Buddha belly
When your baby tries to open the door with your keys.
When your baby bringa you a book to read.
When your baby is proud that she put something away.
When your baby steals your heart and runs away with it.

Arguing with a one year old.

So we head up the hill to grammy’s. Mommy and daddy in the front, baby in the back. She has her sippy cup and snacks. She should be good to go, right?
No. This child sits from the back seat talking shit to me the whole time. I have no idea what she’s saying. She has no idea what she’s say, but she sure as hell as no problem saying it.
A short little chubby has the potential to make you crazy. On the verge of ripping your hair out.
So what do I do? Start arguing back with her. Didn’t take daddy long until he made us pull over the car and work it out.



Thinking is over-rated.

I used to take pride in how well i could write and describe my world. Now i sit here second guessing myself. Expressing myself feels wrong and almost unreal.

I feel like I’m watching my life from the outside. Like I am a mere shell that is passing in the wind. Its too hard to understand, to cope; I’d rather be in denial.

For the past four days I have pretended we have never met. I have pretending we never stayed on the phone until the other fell asleep. That we never had to perfect clasp when we held hands. That we never felt security, and genuine concern. But most of all, I have pretended we never fell in love; I just have to believe I never knew you.

You were so amazing. Your touch was so warm. Your voice was so deep and comforting. The way we held each other every night. The way you dried my tears so many times. The way you loved me more than air itself.

I fell so in love with you, i could never imagining laughing, touching, connecting, kissing another man. I still cant. 

Why did I fall in love with the idea of someone? Why did I force myself to believe you were better than you were? I would have so much time left, more life lived, more love received. 

The vicious cycle continues because you gave me the most amazing gift, that i could never regret. So could i really regret loving you? I have been going back and forth all night.